MAMARAGING

Tag: mom struggles

  • Mom by Many Names

    I’m not just a biological mother. I’m a stepmother as well. Anyone with stepkids knows that’s a complicated title to hold. Especially when your stepkid’s other parent is in their life and not always easy to work with.

    Now, I have two stepsons. They have two different moms. I have three living biological children. One of my stepsons lives with us primarily, and the other lives in a different state but visits as often as possible. Both of my stepsons have stepfathers, and their mothers know each other. Those are a lot of complex relationships in one household.

    My stepsons are obviously the oldest of our bunch, which made things a little more complicated when we brought my bio babies into the picture. I’d had this whole idea of what my life would look like when I was an “adult.” Educated, married, career, kids, house. The whole dream. I have all of that; I’m lucky. But it’s not clean cut–my husband and I went through a wicked custody battle for one of my bonus babies, and that affected everything for my bio babies. My parenting style had to adjust because one kid was jumping from house to house with two completely different sets of rules and expectations. I couldn’t start from scratch with my kids because I inherited structures from someone else. That’s not to say I agree with those decisions or kept going with them–some of those parenting decisions were detrimental to my stepson, and I will not perpetuate them because they do not serve in his best interest.

    It’s insanely complicated. My oldest stepson moves pretty seamlessly between households–we have great communication with his mom. We uphold similar rules and standards between houses. That doesn’t mean that it’s always easy, though; co-parenting is hard for many reasons. But it’s not as smooth with my other stepson and his mom. His mom does not hold him accountable for anything. She does everything for him. It has been years of struggling to get my son to understand that his actions have consequences and he cannot blame other people for decisions he makes. It has been years of struggling to teach my son to be proactive and to learn to do things for himself (like brush his hair and pick up his messes, for example). There is so much more to that story, but that’s the short of it, and I won’t get into the messy details of the rest.

    Now, I’ve had to navigate those struggles while figuring out how to parent my bio kids effectively and mesh it all together. Because we don’t hold our kids to different standards. We expect them all to be good, caring human beings that put their best into things. All of our children are expected to do age-appropriate household chores. All of our children are urged to try new things and enjoy being children. But we expect them to be kind and empathetic and respectful. They will make mistakes. But we want them to learn from those mistakes.

    It’s hard to merge all of that together. It’s hard enough to parent your own biological children without throwing stepchildren into the mix and the trauma and challenges that come with split households.

    An example: My four-year-old knows how to do laundry (I do not let him do this on his own, but he has always enjoyed helping me with it, so I’ve been teaching him how to do it correctly). My ten-year-old can barely start the dryer without instruction. He’s an insanely smart kid. He just doesn’t apply himself. And that goes back to how he was raised by his mother in his early years. I don’t treat my kids like they are incapable of anything. They can do anything they put their minds to. And I will teach them how to do those things safely and correctly. Because one day, my babies won’t have me around to help them. I want them to be self-sufficient when they need it.

    And then there’s the relationships. I love all my kids equally. But I’d be lying if I said the relationships with my stepsons aren’t a bit harder than with my bio babies.

    Short story: There was a nasty custody battle involving one of the boys, and we were granted physical custody (meaning his lives with us). The whole situation caused lots of trauma and bitterness and confusion for my kid. I hate that it all happened the way it did, but I am not responsible for another adult’s actions. I am only responsible for my own, and I have done nothing but loved this boy and put my all into helping him grow into an amazing human. It takes a toll, though, because he does not always like me. I am his family, yes, but there is some invisible wall that I feel between us. It’s like he can’t quite let himself love me all the way. And I get it. I’m sure in his mind it feels like a betrayal to his mom. I love him regardless. But that doesn’t mean my job is easy. I have spent many nights crying because I feel like I’m failing him. Like no matter what I do or say, it’s the wrong thing.

    I think most parents feel that way at some point. Whether it’s with stepkids or bio kids or foster kids or adopted kids. Being a parent is a challenge with no right answer.

    My relationship is slightly different with each of my kids. I have to be a different version of mom for each of them because they all have different needs and different love languages. But at the end of the day, I’m always going to be a safe space for them to land. I’m always going to be mom. Even if that’s not the name they call me.

    I’m curious about other’s experiences being stepparents. It’s a very hard job, and this post doesn’t even scratch the surface of it. It’s just some of my thoughts about it lately. I’m sure I’ll have more to come in the future. But if you’re a stepparent, what does that look like for you? How do you handle the ups and downs?

  • Full-Time Work, Full-Time Parent

    Let’s talk work and parenting.

    I have a full-time day job. I also stay home with my kids full time. We have three that are below school age currently, so I spend my days balancing my paid work with my mom work.

    Because let’s be real, being a mom is work. It’s work I love, but it’s still work. You have to be “on” 24/7 for your kids. There are needs to be met, meals to be fed, baths to be given, activities to be done. And that’s just the surface level.

    I’m lucky in that I have a flexible work from home job. They know I have kids. They encourage work/life balance. As long as my work is done on time and done well, there’s no issue. I can pop out for a kid’s doctor appointment or school pickup or whatever the case may be without an issue. I know that’s not the reality for everyone. Most parents have to physically go into an office every day and either leave their kids with a caregiver or daycare if they’re not old enough for school. And getting time off for appointments or sick days or really anything parenting related is often almost impossible for many people. At least in the U.S. (that’s a whole other issue).

    On the surface, it may seem like I have it easy. But the truth of it is that it’s incredibly hard to balance work and parenting. It’s possible. But it’s not easy. I am a great multitasker, but even I have limits. So something always gets pushed to the side–most often household chores. I think I’ve been doing the same load of laundry for about a week because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer. My priorities are elsewhere.

    Stuffed animal dog toy sitting at a desk with a mouse and laptop in front as if working. Stuffed animal bunny and Legos in background.

    Juggling meetings and assignments with the needs of three young kids is not for the faint of heart. But as frustrating and exhausting as it may be sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to parent my kids through all of their milestones and still hold down a salaried job. That doesn’t mean that every day is a cakewalk, though.

    I get mad. At my kids. At work. At little distractions and big time sucks. I have bad days. Some are incredibly bad days. I’m not always a good mom. I’m not always a good employee. I’m almost always tired. I get cranky and yell. But I also smile and laugh with my kids and my colleagues. I take time to play imaginatively with my babies. I set up quiet screen time so I can work in peace without distractions. I try to meet everyone’s needs, including my own. I take breaks for my sanity.

    My situation is not traditional by any means. But we live in a time and place where one income is not realistic. The economy is so chaotic right now that even with two incomes, it’s complicated. I’ve had to become a nontraditional parent and a nontraditional employee all in one.

    It’s hard–I say that a lot about parenting in general. Because it is. That’s the reality. Social media, movies, shows, other people often want to make it seem so easy and like “my kid is an angel and it’s not work to be a parent,” but that’s a lie. Parenting is messy. We do our best, but we don’t always do it right. And that’s okay. It’s okay to admit that being a parent isn’t always what we expected it to be.

    Add work on top of that. It could very easily become a recipe for disaster. But I’ve found a few things that help me balance my two selves a little better. Maybe they’ll help someone else too.

    The first thing we did when we realized I’d be working from home permanently was create a dedicated office space. With a door. We tried the whole open office thing, and it did. Not. Work. So we pivoted and created an office space in a place where there is a door that can shut and lock. Now, I don’t shut myself in when I’m home with the kids. They’re not old enough to care for themselves yet. But when my husband is home and I really need to focus, I can shut myself in. This has helped tremendously. I used to work on my laptop in bed. But I’m much more productive at my office desk. Because even though I don’t go into an office outside of the home, I still need that dedicated space where I can turn my brain to work mode .

    I also started getting dressed every day. Sounds silly, I know. But it’s o easy to fall into working in your pajamas when your job is out of your house and you’re not seeing people all the time. I’ve found that when I get up ad get ready in the mornings, it helps me to ground myself and focus. It makes me more productive. Some days, I even get fancy and do my makeup. Just for fun.

    I take breaks. I used to do this pre-kids when I did go into an office. I would sit in my office at my desk and do a bunch of work, then I would get up, walk around, get a cup of coffee, maybe pop outside for some air or have a quick chat with a coworker before going back to my desk and doing more work. We are not robots. I work better when I can do it in chunks. My brain needs breaks. My body needs breaks. So I take that same process and implement it to my home office. I work for a few hours before taking a short break to get some coffee or lunch or play with the kids for a bit. It helps both them and me.

    Some people will argue that you can possibly give your kids what they need if you’re also working. I think that’s a load of crap. Daycare workers aren’t solely watching you kid. They’re watching a bunch of others too. Schools have many kids per teacher. And I take the time throughout the day to give my kids the time and attention they need. It takes intention.

    I set a schedule. For me and the kids. I wake up at the same-ish time every morning and have a set breakfast routine with the kids. Then I go to work and the kids go to play or watch something. They come into the office to ask me things or tell me they need something. I help them. I go back to work. I stop for lunch. More work. Then once my husband and the big kids get home for the day, my workday is over. Dinnertime follows and then our nighttime routine. I firmly shut work off when I am done. Let me say that again: I shut work off when I am done.

    My home may also be my office, but that doesn’t mean that work gets to take over my life. I am a person with needs too.

    Setting that boundary has made a HUGE difference in my mental health as well as my ability to show up for my family and my job. It’s essential. I didn’t always hold that boundary so well, though. It took time and learning how to say no.

    And with that, weekends are my own. That is my uninterrupted family and me time. It’s rare that I’ll work on weekends, and when I do, it’s because it’s necessary. Weekends are when we do family things–go places and do things together. No school, no work, no other obligations. Just family and down time.

    It’s so easy to get caught up in the drag of work all the time. Especially if you work from home. But I remind myself that I work to give my kids he best. They are my why. And if I forget about my why or push them aside in favor of work, I’ve lost my way. I don’t want to miss a single precious second I’m given with these children. So boundaries and balance have become mandatory for me. Nothing is more important than my why and my mental health. And like a lot of people, I learned this the hard way through failing and falling before finding my way forward.

    I think about it a lot, and I don’t know how I would handle a job outside the house these days. That sounds crazy, I know, but I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t know what I’d do. Adapt of course. But I think I’d be so anxious and worried about my kids all the time.

    Why did we choose this route? Partly because this is where the job market took us. But also because daycare is a whole school tuition, and I don’t trust many others with my children. They are too precious, and I have heard too many horror stories. Some way too close to home. The simple answer is that we got lucky and all the pieces fell into place to allow for this arrangement. And I’m grateful. Tired. But grateful. And trying to remember not to take a second of it for granted.

    Have any tips or tricks for balancing work and parenting? I’d love to hear them! Leave me some comments or email me at [email protected].