We’ve all been there. Late nights that seem to go on forever. A toddler that won’t sleep for one reason or another. And if you’re like me–with a toddler that screams all the time–overwhelmed and overstimulated. As well as overtired.
Your little one is probably feeling the same way you are, but they don’t know how to regulate those emotions yet. So, what do you do?
My husband and I have been at a loss with this for months. It’s been progressively getting worse–or likely just feeling like it’s getting worse because we’re consistently getting less and less sleep. And so is our toddler. We’re at our wits end.
We both work full-time day jobs, and we have other kids to take care of as well (mom of five here!). We’re exhausted. We’re irritable. We’re not functioning at our best.
And neither is our son.
He’s an amazing kid. Smart, funny, curious. He’s always trying to make someone laugh and is quick to ask for a snuggle. But because he’s sleeping so poorly, he’s been more irritable and cranky and almost everything sets him off. He screams. And I mean SCREAMS at everything.
That’s part of the problem. He doesn’t have night terrors, but you’d think he does with the way he wakes in the middle of the night and yells and screams. He’s awake. He’s yelling for us. We always come. But that doesn’t stop his screaming. It’s like once he’s set off, he can’t stop. And even once we bring him into our bed to calm him down, he still yells. He’ll fall back to sleep and then wake again not long after, yelling and crying.
This boy relives his whole day in his sleep. He sleep talks and moves a ton, hitting and kicking in the process. To put it mildly, he’s a menace at night.
But it’s not his fault. He’s two. His brain is developing. He doesn’t know how to cope with big emotions. And he certainly doesn’t know how to regulate his sleep.
His dad and I are struggling, though. No amount of caffeine can help with the amount of sleep debt we’re in (did I mention we have a three month old as well?). So, what do we do?
There’s no easy answer here, and I definitely don’t have a full-on solution. But I do have an idea of where to start.
First, his hearing. We’re concerned that there might be something going on with his hearing. He’s always yelling. Even during the day when it’s quiet and he’s just trying to talk to someone. His voice level is LOUD. Now, he’s the fourth of five kids, and our house is usually quite rambunctious, but he even yells when there is no chance that he won’t be heard. So, we’re starting with getting his ears checked.
We’ve already been to the pediatrician about it. They didn’t find any fluid or any obstructions. But they did take my concerns seriously (I absolutely LOVE our pediatrician). He’s been referred to an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) doctor to have a full hearing test done. In the words of our pediatrician, a lot can happen between birth and five (when most kids get their hearing checked again for school). Now, nothing has happened that makes us think he’d develop a hearing issue (no trauma to his ears or anything), but we can’t figure out why he’s always so loud. So this was the logical first step. We’re hoping the ENT is able to help. Because if something is going on with his ears, it could very well be affecting is sleep as well. Bodies are crazy and everything is connected in ways we don’t always realize.
If nothing comes from the ENT visit, our next step will be looking into a sleep study. I did one of these as a small child. Turns out, I have sleep apnea, which is where you stop breathing in your sleep. Scary, I know.
There are so many sleep disorders. And two-year-olds are hard as it is, so if there is a sleep disorder playing a role, learning about it is half the battle. Now, I hope none of these things are the case. I want my little boy to be healthy and happy. But I’m going to do everything I can do to make sure we’re supporting him in whatever he needs.
And right now, he needs sleep.
We all need sleep.
It’s a hard thing to get as a parent. Especially when you have more than one little one. We currently have three below school age. But we’re finding that small lifestyle changes are helping some. So here’s what we’ve personally been doing to try to help lessen that sleep debt for everyone.
Sleep when the kids sleep. I know, they always say, “sleep when the baby sleeps,” and that almost always feels impossible. But seriously, going to bed around the same time as the kids has been a game changer for me. My kids’ bedtime is seven. Do they go to sleep then every night? No. Let’s be realistic. They’re kids. They don’t want to go to bed. But we aim for seven every day. We keep a pretty consistent routine of dinner then change for bed and brush teeth–add in bath time when needed–and then they lay down and watch a movie in the family room (we don’t do TVs in the bedrooms). I’m putting the baby down in the meantime and dad is making sure the others are actually settling down, cuddling with them most of the time.
That usually gets them calm, and nine times out of ten, the movie puts them to sleep. I realize screens before bed aren’t the best. But when you’re running on as little sleep as we are, you do what you have to.
Bath nights are a big help too. I was always told that the best way to reset a kid is to put them in water (bath) or take them outside for fresh air. I’ve found both of these things to be overwhelmingly true. The bath helps him reset and calm down and signals to him that it’s time for his body to rest.
Now this one is tricky because we have a big family. But we try to have the time between dinner and laying down for bed be calm time. This doesn’t always work because our older kids are getting home from school and doing homework before dinner so they want to play after if they didn’t get to before. Understandable. So this doesn’t always happen, though we try.
That’s what parenting is all about, isn’t it? Trying.
We try our best daily.
Now, when our son ultimately wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, we try our best to console him and meet whatever his needs are–a snuggle, a cup of water. We want him to know he’s safe and we’re here. Always.
Most nights this ends up with two to three kids in our bed. And while that’s not ideal, it’s okay. They’re only little once and my babies need to feel loved and cared for. Sometimes that’s hard to remember in the midst of the frustration of having a child that just does not sleep well. But I am working on being more present and grounded in those moments because I know my kids need me to be there for them. In that sense, I’m reparenting myself.
None of these methods have been full proof, but we’re trying. We’re still exhausted and working through what’s causing the wakings and inconsolable outbursts. But what’s important is that we’re looking at this situation and seeing that there is something our son needs that we can’t pinpoint, and we are following the avenues to get it figured out to help him.
The kicker here is that I was the same way as a small child. I have always been a bad sleeper. My parents said I was colicky. I have had insomnia for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea before I was old enough to start school. I’ve never slept through the night. And I still struggle with getting enough restful sleep.
So I’m not surprised at least one of my kids has a hard time with sleep. It was bound to happen, right?
But this no-sleep-cycle has got to change because it’s taking a toll. Bodies and brains are weird and all we can do is do our best.
And now, I’m going to take my own advice and sleep while the kids sleep.